


Waiting for a miracle

by Gilrael



Series: Waiting for a miracle [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'll be adding tags as I go, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Manga Spoilers, No Smut, Not Actually Unrequited Love, One-sided EnnoTana, Pining, Slow Burn, i'm trying to keep this canon compliant, they'll talk about it but there won't be any details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8142094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/pseuds/Gilrael
Summary: It all started in middle school and, like most things in Narita Kazuhito's life, it started with volleyball.





	1. Smiles from afar

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the promised KinoNari fic! I might add in some EnnoTana on the side later on, but Kinoshita and Narita are definitely the main focus of this fic. They deserve more love and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise!
> 
> This fic and its title are inspired by the song [Unsichtbar by Farin Urlaub Racing Team](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xj9v1gSJMS8).
> 
> Well, that's all for now, hope you enjoy! :D

Kinoshita is lying in Kazuhito's bed, fast asleep. There are still traces of tears glittering on his cheek, but Kazuhito doesn't wipe them away, afraid that he'll wake him up. Instead, he watches the even rise and fall of his chest, the way he worries his lower lip in his sleep, and continues rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand. This could be a dream come true, but the circumstances that have led them to this point make it hard for Kazuhito to be happy. He doesn't want to take advantage of Kinoshita's vulnerability, and he doesn't want to risk their friendship just because he's had a crush on him since forever.

 

***

 

It all started in middle school and, like most things in Narita Kazuhito's life, it started with volleyball.

 

Nagare Middle School did not have the most welcoming school building, but the yard was beautiful. The sakura trees had already lost most of their petals, the light pink slowly being replaced by the bright green of leaves. Kazuhito was fascinated by the dancing shadows their branches cast on the ground. He would've rather spent his entire day there than join the masses of students that were on their way to the gym for the opening ceremony, but he didn't want to leave a bad impression with his teachers on his first day. So he tightly held on to his brand new bag and threw himself into the mass of chattering boys and girls. He'd always been one of the taller kids at his primary school, but here, next to the third-years, he felt small and insignificant.

“First-years, line up over here!” one of the teachers yelled, and Kazuhito followed her instructions, coming to stand next to another boy, who was roughly the same height as him and seemed vaguely familiar. Kazuhito wasn't sure, but he thought he remembered him from primary school. They hadn't been in the same form though, so he didn't remember his name. He just knew that he'd often been teased for his heavily lidded eyes that gave him a permanent sleepy look.

“Erm...” Kazuhito had never been a very outgoing person, but he also didn't want to be alone, so he gathered all his courage to strike up a conversation. “Which form are you in?”

The other boy seemed startled, but replied without hesitation, “I'm in 1-a.”

“Oh, me too!” Kazuhito tried not to let his relief show, but it probably wasn't working. “I'm Narita Kazuhito.”

“Ennoshita Chikara. Nice to meet you, Narita-kun.”

They smiled at each other, but before they could say anything more the head teacher already called the crowd to order for his speech. As far as speeches go it could've been worse – it was relatively short, welcoming the new students and additions to the teaching staff, something about diligence, hard work and respect, yada yada, then it was already over and they were told to go to their classrooms.

“Do you plan on joining any clubs?” Ennoshita-kun asked as they tried to locate their classroom.

“Uh, I dunno. Maybe baseball.” Kazuhito shrugged. “As long as it's a team sport. And you?”

“I was thinking about joining the volleyball club. My cousin plays and it looks fun.”

 

Kazuhito ended up joining the volleyball club with Ennoshita-kun. He'd never played before, but the rules were easy enough to understand and the coach was encouraging and kind, despite Kazuhito's lack of experience. Just as he'd expected, Kazuhito enjoyed being on a team, even if the senpais sometimes treated the first-years like servants, constantly having them run errands for them and making them clean up after practice.

The weeks until the first tournament passed by in a blur. Ennoshita-kun and Kazuhito watched the matches from the stands with most of the other first-years, not having made the bench, let alone the starting line up. They would have loved to stand on the court, but they were not going to complain. Kazuhito knew that he wasn't a great player yet and that he'd get his chance soon enough.

Nagare Middle School managed to reach the third round of the district tournament and it was during that last match against Bokujō Middle School that Kazuhito saw him for the first time, sitting on the bench of the opposing team. Amongst his dark-haired teammates, he seemed a little out of place with his light brown hair and judging from the number twelve on his jersey, he must've been a first-year as well.

 _Must be nice being part of such a small club_ , Kazuhito thought wistfully as he watched him get subbed in after one of the wing spikers had hurt his wrist. The guy was a pretty average player, not too good or bad, but Kazuhito found himself watching him intently for the rest of the match. There was something fascinating about that boy, but Kazuhito couldn't put his finger on it, not even when the last whistle blew, announcing the end of the game and the loss for Nagare Middle School. A bright smile flashed across Number Twelve's face and it was the most beautiful thing Kazuhito had ever seen in his entire life.

“Damnit, that was so close!” Ennoshita-kun sighed, ripping Kazuhito from his reverie.

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered out his reply, still dazed by that smile.

 

Weeks passed and Kazuhito quickly forgot about the pretty boy, too busy with practising volleyball, studying and hanging out with Ennoshita-kun. It was only when he overslept and missed the bus he usually took to school that he saw him again.

He was sitting in the back, next to the teammate he'd had to replace during the match. Kazuhito weighed the pros and cons of striking up a conversation with them and came to the conclusion that he'd probably embarrass himself if he talked to them, so he just sat down and tried to resist the urge to turn his head.

Why would he even want to talk to him anyway? He was the enemy. He had beaten Kazuhito's club. And wasn't it weird that Kazuhito thought that he was pretty? Boys weren't supposed to be pretty. At the very least, Kazuhito wasn't supposed to _think_ that another boy was pretty.

Suddenly, the sound of laughter filled the bus. Kazuhito turned his head to see Number Twelve wheezing, trying to get his laughter under control. Goodness, he was even more handsome when was laughing.

“Damnit, Kinoshita-kun!” the boy next to him said. “Stop making fun of me!”

 _So his name's Kinoshita, huh_... Kazuhito wondered about the spelling of his name until they reached the bus stop closest to his school. He permitted himself one last glance at Kinoshita before he got off and in that one little moment their eyes met. Kinoshita's were still sparkling with amusement and he flashed Kazuhito a quick grin before turning back to his teammate, leaving Kazuhito with a floaty feeling in his stomach that he couldn't quite place as he stepped off the bus.

 

Being on the volleyball club meant taking part in training camps. Kazuhito enjoyed these occasions well enough. There was something exciting about being away from home and getting to spend the entire day with his friends from the club, even if the training was really exhausting. He could've done without playing Truth or Dare in the evenings, though. According to the senpais it was tradition, though, so there was no getting around it. During their first training camp, Kazuhito and Ennoshita had tried to sneak out of the room before the game had started, but the senpai had caught them and dragged them back inside and even in their second year the third-years forced them to play.

“Narita, it's your turn. Truth or dare?”

“Erm...” Kazuhito didn't like the way everyone stared at him while he contemplated his options. Those that had picked Dare before him had had to do some really disgusting things like licking someone else's shoes, while Kazuhito wouldn't have minded the questions that had been asked so far, so he went with Truth, which he regretted immediately.

“Who's your crush?”

The image of a certain wing spiker from Bokujō Middle School flashed before Kazuhito's inner eye. “I don't have a crush on anyone,” he said, trying to convince himself that it was true. _Kinoshita is a guy, so I cannot possibly have a crush on him._

“Aw, come on! This is _Truth_ or Dare, not _Lies_ or Dare!” one of the senpais demanded. “There has to be a girl you think is cute!”

In his mind, Kazuhito went through all the girls in his form. They were all kinda pretty, but now that he thought about it, he realised that none of them had ever fascinated him like Kinoshita had. “Uh... I've never really thought about it,” he mumbled, blushing deeply.

“Ugh, you gay or something?”

Kazuhito's blood froze in his veins.

_Shit._

“Just leave him alone,” Ennoshita suddenly piped up. “I don't have a crush right now either.”

Kazuhito thanked the heavens for the fact that Ennoshita was his friend and tried not to think too hard about his teammate's accusation. Just because he thought that Kinoshita was prettier than most girls didn't mean that Kazuhito was gay, right? Right.

 

As luck would have it Nagare and Bokujō never ended up playing against each other again while Kazuhito was in middle school. From time to time he'd see Kinoshita on the bus, which always prompted Kazuhito's heartbeat to go into overdrive. That was already weird enough, so Kazuhito didn't even want to think about how out of it he would have been if he had had to face Kinoshita on the court.

By their third year Kazuhito and Ennoshita had become regulars and managed to put their foot down and end the Truth or Dare tradition (“Nobody should be forced to take part in the game if they don't want to!”). So during their last training camp the two of them went out onto the veranda of the lodge while most of their teammates played Truth or Dare. Leaning against the railing, Narita looked up at the starry night sky. It was weird, thinking about how this might be the last time he and Ennoshita would be together like this. In the last years, they'd become such good friends that it would be lonely without him.

“Have you decided on a high school yet?” he asked quietly.

“Not really. You?” Ennoshita replied with a sigh.

“I thought about going to Karasuno. It's close to my home, so I won't have to take the bus any more.”

“Hm, it's not too far away from my home either,” Ennoshita mused, scratching the back of his head. “And they have a volleyball club, right?”

Kazuhito nodded. “They even went to nationals once, I think.”

“If we both went, we could continue to play together,” Ennoshita suggested, grinning.

“I'd like that.”

 

When Kazuhito got his acceptance letter from Karasuno High School, he immediately sent a text to Ennoshita.

 

To: Ennoshita Chikara

> I got accepted at Karasuno!

 

From: Ennoshita Chikara

> me too ^_^

 

While Kazuhito had dreaded his first day of middle school, he actually looked forward to his first day at Karasuno High School. It was different, because he knew that he already had a friend he could rely on. He wasn't alone this time around.

“I wonder how many first-years have signed up for the volleyball club?” Ennoshita asked, putting away his outdoor shoes on the shelves in front of the gym.

“I really hope that it's not just the two of us.” Kazuhito shuddered at the memory of how they'd been treated by their senpais during their first year at middle school. At least there'd been a lot of other first-years for them to order around, but if it was only Ennoshita and him, things could potentially become utterly exhausting.

Sighing, he opened the sliding door to the gym, ready to face his new club.

At least he thought he was ready until he saw a familiar mop of light brown hair. His eyes met with Kinoshita's, making his heart skip a beat, and there was only one thought left in his mind:

_I'm so fucked._

 


	2. Shrinking the distance, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I was rereading th part of this chapter that I'd already written, I realised that it would make more sense pacing-wise to cut it into two parts. I'm still working on the second part of the chapter, and with all the studying I have to do, I'm not sure how fast I can finish it, but I hope you enjoy this for now^^

“My name is Kinoshita Hisashi, I'm in form 1-2 and I used to be a wing spiker in middle school!”

So his given name was Hisashi and he wasn't in a university prep class. His voice was deeper than Kazuhito remembered from the time he'd heard him make fun of his senpai on the bus, but that was to be expected after two and a half years. Kazuhito had some conflicting emotions about the fact that he liked Kinoshita's voice. This entire crush had been bad enough when Kinoshita had been a complete stranger, but now they were teammates. One part of him really, really wanted to use this as an opportunity to get to know him and potentially woo him if he turned out to be a nice guy, while the other part of him was convinced that he should stay away from him. If Kazuhito had learnt anything in middle school, it would be that most guys reacted with disgust towards anything that could be considered gay.

Suddenly, there was a sharp pain radiating out from his shin. For a second Kazuhito wondered why Ennoshita would kick him until he noticed that it was his turn to introduce himself.

“Erm, I'm Narita Kazuhito, I'm in form 1-4 and I used to play middle blocker in middle school,” he said, blushing furiously. _What a great way to make a first impression, now everyone's gonna think I'm a space case._

 

One thing was quickly becoming clear: Kazuhito would not have time to worry about the fact that he'd embarrassed himself in front of his team and, most importantly, his crush. At least not during training because Ukai Ikkei was a maniac. Kazuhito could not think of a more flattering description for their coach. His training methods were simply brutal and by the time the team left the gym after their first training, Kazuhito could barely lift his feet to walk. He just wanted to collapse onto the floor and never get up ever again.

“I know it's harsh, but it'll get better with time,” Sugawara-senpai said, sympathetically patting his back.

Kazuhito tried to acknowledge his teammates encouragement, but the only sound he could make was a tired “eh”. Sugawara-senpai threw him one last pitiful look before leaving the club room with his fellow second-years.

“Holy shit, I feel like throwing up,” Kinoshita said, pressing his water bottle against his cheek.

“Y-you should go outside. Fresh air might help,” Kazuhito suggested shakily, picked up his bag and opened the door for Kinoshita.

“Haah, you're probably right,” his teammate sighed, stepping outside in front of him. “Narita-kun, right?”

“Yeah, but you can drop the honorifics. We're teammates after all.”

_Fuuuck, why am I being so familiar? Why am I so fucking GAY FOR THIS GUY?_

“Heh, I like you already.” Kinoshita flashed one of his dazzling smiles and Kazuhito knew that there was no way he could keep his distance from this guy.

“Hey, there you are!” a familiar voice said. Ennoshita was leaning against the railing, watching Kazuhito and Kinoshita come down the stairs. “I was just about to get back up there and check on you.”

“Well, I'm dead on my feet, I can barely move any more,” Kazuhito explained, sighing deeply.

“Ugh, me too,” Ennoshita agreed and then concern flashed across his face. “You don't look too well, Kinoshita-kun. Everything alright?”

“Just Kinoshita's fine,” he said, pulling a grimace. “I've been feeling kinda queasy ever since we did those receive drills...”

“You should go home and rest then,” Kazuhito suggested. “Do you live far from here?”

“Nah, just behind Sakanoshita Store.”

“Oh, that's on our way then,” Ennoshita noticed. “Let's walk together.”

And that was how a new tradition was born.

Practices didn't get any less intense, but every evening after they'd change in the club room, Ennoshita, Kinoshita and Kazuhito would walk home together, and to Kazuhito these moments were precious. He'd always enjoyed Ennoshita's company and he soon realised that not only was Kinoshita handsome, he was also really nice to be around. He was always good for a joke, often at other people's expense, but he knew where to draw the line and never crossed it. But Kinoshita could also be serious, when the occasion demanded it, and before Kazuhito knew how it had happened he'd found a new friend in Kinoshita.

 

Watching the first match of the Inter High from the bench was torture for Kazuhito. He'd worked so hard, had put up with Ukai-san's harsh training for so long, but now he wouldn't even get to play. Nishinoya was the only first-year to get a place in the starting line up and he only got to play because the third-year libero was injured.

Karasuno won two games and lost the third.

Kazuhito didn't know why, but he was bitter about the defeat in a way that he'd never experienced before. Riding the bus back home, his hands were clenched into tight fists. It wasn't like he blamed anyone for the loss. The third- and second-years and Nishinoya had done their best. They'd worked even harder than he had. It was just the fact that in the end it all amounted to nothing that made Kazuhito feel so frustrated.

“Looks like we're going to have to work even harder now.” Kazuhito looked up, surprised to hear Kinoshita's voice so suddenly. Kinoshita was staring out the window, but his eyes seemed unfocused.

“You're probably right.” _I'm not sure whether I'll be able to keep up, though_ , Kazuhito added in his mind.

 

During summer vacation, one of their fellow first-years threw in the towel.

“This is bullshit!” Shirai-kun yelled, violently throwing a ball at the wall before running out of the gym. Everyone fell silent, their eyes following him until he banged the door shut behind himself. Kazuhito knew exactly how he felt. He looked down at the bruises that covered his arms and slowly moved his left index finger to see whether it still hurt after that botched overhead receive from five minutes earlier. It mostly felt numb, but it might not be a bad idea to tape it up, he thought. He'd never had to tape his fingers during middle school.

Ukai-san clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Stop spacing out and get back to your serves and receives!” he said sternly, reminding the whole team that practice wasn't over just because Shirai-kun had left them.

Kinoshita sighed, a grave expression on his face. “I can't blame him.”

“Me neither,” Kazuhito agreed, picking up a ball and throwing it up in the air for a serve.

 

The next day, they realised that Shirai-kun wasn't the only one who'd decided to quit the club when Hatake-kun didn't show up for practice. Their reasoning was understandable, but Kazuhito wasn't ready to give up yet, not while Kinoshita and Ennoshita were still there. He wanted to fight with them. He wanted to be able to play in a proper game with them eventually. It was highly unlikely that they'd actually get a chance to do so in the next tournament, but maybe in their second or third year they would. So he gritted his teeth and continued with the laps and the drills and the three-on-three matches.

Until one day Kazuhito received a text from his best friend right before practice:

 

From: Ennoshita Chikara

> hey I don't think I'll be able to make it to practice today

> I think I might have food poisoning or something...

 

To: Ennoshita Chikara

> I'll tell Coach and Kurokawa-senpai. Hope you get better soon!

 

Attending practice without Ennoshita felt wrong. It was as if half of Kazuhito's motivation was drained from him, and Kazuhito was sure that Ukai-san noticed. He never said anything, but he kept glaring at Kazuhito with disapproval in his eyes. And that disapproval felt like a weight on Kazuhito's shoulders.

When he walked home with Kinoshita that night they stopped by Sakanoshita to pick up meat buns. The guy at the cash register grumbled something about them needing to eat proper meals, but Kazuhito wasn't listening to him, because as soon as Kinoshita had swallowed the first bite he said, “I don't think I can do this much longer.”

“Do what?” Kazuhito asked stepping out into the warm summer night.

“Volleyball. Practice is hell and I won't get to play anyway. Tanaka's way better than me, so if a first-year spiker is gonna play in the Spring High it'll be him and not me.”

“But you're fast!” Kazuhito blurted out unthinkingly.

“Doesn't mean I'm better than Tanaka,” Kinoshita said. The smile on his face didn't reach his eyes. “Also, have you seen Shirai and Hatake recently? They look so goddamn happy now that they've quit.”

Biting at his lip, Kazuhito tried to rein in his facial expression. He didn't like this. He didn't want Kinoshita to quit. Since Kazuhito was in university prep he didn't share any lessons with Kinoshita, so they wouldn't have a proper reason to meet up any more. Kazuhito didn't want to go back to how it had been before. And it wasn't about being close to his crush or anything. Fuck the butterflies in his stomach, there was no way Kazuhito was going to lose this _friendship_!

He didn't want to sound desperate, but he couldn't help himself. “Would... would you still hang out with me, even if we're not in the same club any more?”

“Of course! Why do you even have to ask? You're basically my best friend,” Kinoshita said, rolling his eyes. “And anyway, I'm only saying I _might_ quit.”

There was a weird ache in Kazuhito's chest. Knowing that Kinoshita thought of him as his best friend made him incredibly happy, but the elation was marred with guilt. Would Kinoshita still think that way if he knew that Kazuhito was gay? Gay for him?

That night before he fell asleep, Kazuhito decided that he did not want to find out. He would never tell Kinoshita that he liked him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and all the lovely comments :3


	3. Shrinking the distance, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, chapter 2-4 have been giving me so much grief that I had to throw my innitial plan to have them be one chapter out of the window xD Thanks to [Tsucchi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsucchi) for helping me with figuring that out (check out their fics if you want quality EnnoTana content)!

When Ennoshita didn't show up to practice for the last three days of summer break, Kazuhito stopped buying this whole food poisoning thing. If he'd really eaten something bad, then he would've just felt sick for a day or something, vomit it all out and then be better, right? At least that was what had happened to Kazuhito when he'd drank some bad milk that one time in primary school.

But why would Ennoshita lie to him? Maybe he'd really thought it was food poisoning and in the end it had turned out to be something more serious.

 

To: Ennoshita Chikara

> Will you be there for morning practice?

 

***

 

Nervously chewing on his lips, Chikara stared at his phone. He'd only missed three practices. He could still go back and make up some excuse that he'd actually been really ill. But these past three days he'd managed to get so many things done! He actually put effort into his summer homework, he was all caught up with his favourite manga and he'd just started that book he'd been meaning to read for ages. For the first time since he started high school he hadn't had to get up at the asscrack of dawn to attend a practice that would leave him feeling heavy and aching all over.

The more Chikara thought about it, the more he wanted to stay home. He wanted to sleep for another hour.

But how could he face his friends if he stayed in bed? What would his teammates say if he ran into them at school?

 

***

 

Kazuhito never received a reply for his text message.

“Honestly, what the fuck is going on with him?” he complained to Kinoshita, while they changed into their training gear. Ennoshita had never ignored his texts before.

Kinoshita shrugged helplessly. “You're the one who's been friends with him for three years.”

_Well, that's the problem!_ Groaning, Kazuhito pulled his shirt over his head and stomped out of the club room. He didn't like this situation at all. Something was wrong and Ennoshita wasn't talking to him about it and practice sucked and Kazuhito was so done with the bruises and done with Ukai-san shouting at him to work even harder. By the time he was back in the club room and wearing his school uniform, he seriously considered skipping practice in the afternoon, because everything felt _wrong_. Volleyball wasn't fun any more and he really, really needed to talk to his best friend.

“Are you okay?” Kinoshita asked, as they made their way to the first-year classrooms.

“Not really,” Kazuhito admitted, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his trousers. “But I'll probably feel better once I talk to Ennoshita.”

Which was easier said than done. Stepping into the classroom, Kazuhito immediately noticed that Ennoshita's seat in the second row was empty. He sat down at his own desk behind Ennoshita's and waited, idly playing around with his phone. But Ennoshita only showed up right as the bell rang, slipping into the classroom seconds before their Japanese teacher. He flashed Kazuhito a nervous smile, but the lesson started before Kazuhito could say anything.

And as soon as the bell announced the end of the lesson, Ennoshita jumped off his chair, disappeared out of the classroom and only returned right before the next lesson, once again leaving Kazuhito with no opportunity to confront him. Kazuhito's stomach twisted uncomfortably as he stared at the back of his best friend's head.

He didn't like this.

Not at all.

When Ennoshita repeated his strange behaviour during the next break between lessons, Kazuhito got out his phone.

 

To: Kinoshita Hisashi

> Ennoshita is running away from me >_<

 

It was bad enough that he'd had to attend practice without Ennoshita for multiple days in a row, but being avoided like this hurt even more. He was sure that his friend wasn't actively trying to hurt him, he had to have his reasons for not wanting to talk to Kazuhito, but that didn't lesson the blow in the least.

The buzzing of his mobile phone put a stop to Kazuhito's brooding.

 

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> don't worry I'll make him talk to you during lunch break

 

To: Kinoshita Hisashi

> What do you mean by you'll make him??

 

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> dunno, depends on how much resistance he puts up ;)

> nah jk

> I'll look for him with you and we'll confront him together

> I'm worried about him too

 

Kazuhito had already noticed that Kinoshita tended to use humour to veil his kindness, and he took comfort in the fact that at least this one thing was as it should be. Warmth flooded his entire body as he typed out a quick “thank you.” He sometimes still underestimated Kinoshita's investment in their friendship. It just felt too good to be true, like something out of a dream almost, because Kazuhito had never even dared imagine such a scenario when he was awake. In every story he'd read, in every film he'd watched, gay people were either there for comic relief or to be tragically killed off in a climactic action scene. They didn't get to talk to their crush, let alone befriend them, but here Kazuhito was, relying on the guy he liked to help him out with his troubles.

 

At lunch time, Ennoshita grabbed his bento and literally ran for the door. Not bothering to get his own food (hunger was by far the least pressing issue right now), Kazuhito ran after him.

“Ennoshita, wait!” he shouted, but Ennoshita didn't even turn his head. Luckily, he passed form 1-2's classroom at the same time Kinoshita stepped out.

“Kinoshita! Get him!” But Kazuhito needn't have told him; he was quick to process what was happening and immediately grabbed Ennoshita's wrist before he could get away. Ennoshita sighed deeply, his shoulders slumping as Kazuhito caught up with him.

“What the heck is going on?” Kazuhito was unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.

“Erm, could we do this somewhere else?” Ennoshita asked, apparently having resigned to his fate. “People are staring.”

Only then did Kazuhito notice how the other students in the hallway kept sneaking curious glances at them, whispering with their friends, probably speculating why these three guys were making a scene.

“Okay, but you have to promise not to run away any more!”

“Alright, alright, I promise,” Ennoshita mumbled, “but let's get out of here, please.”

Kinoshita did not let go of Ennoshita until they'd reached a quiet corner of the school yard, and the three of them sat down in the grass. There was a strange tension in the air between them as they all waited for someone else to open his mouth first.

“Did you really have food poisoning?” Kazuhito finally asked, once he couldn't take the silence any longer.

Shrinking in on himself, Ennoshita shook his head. “No, it was just an excuse for skipping practice.”

“You could've just told us that you wanted to skip practice,” Kinoshita huffed, folding his arms in front of his chest. “And we could've helped you come up with something better than freaking food poisoning...”

“And why did you avoid me all morning?” Kazuhito demanded to know. “I was really worried about you and you just kept running away!”

He had never seen Ennoshita look this uncomfortable in all the years he'd known him. “I'm sorry! I really am, but I just didn't want you to think of me as a coward, okay?”

“What? Why would you even think that!” Kazuhito looked over to Kinoshita, who looked just as puzzled about this as he was.

“Because I'm running away! Not just from you, but also from the club and I hate it!” Ennoshita spit out, fingers clenched into the fabric of his black trousers. “I'm sorry I lied to you, but I didn't want to disappoint you guys.”

“So you're quitting,” Kazuhito realised lamely. Volleyball wasn't any fun when Ennoshita wasn't there. Not that it had been particularly fun at all in the past weeks, but when Ennoshita was around, the mood was different – they'd share exhausted looks whenever Ukai-san ordered them to do more laps, or they'd raise their eyebrows, smile and shake their heads at Tanaka and Nishinoya's antics. There was just a certain sense of camaraderie that Kazuhito didn't have with anyone else on the team, not even Kinoshita.

“Yeah, I'm quitting the club,” Ennoshita repeated, gaze trained on the grass in front of them.

“You are aware that you are not the first one to quit and that I'm also thinking about it, right?” Kinoshita said, rolling his eyes. “Today's morning practice was a fucking nightmare and if it continues to be that shitty in the afternoon, I'll never set foot in that gym ever again. You're not the only one who's running away.”

That made Ennoshita look up from the ground, eyes wide.

“And I'm certainly not gonna go through that bullshit on my own,” Kazuhito added, shuddering at the mere thought of it. “Running from the club is fine, but no more running away from your friends, alright?” He could see how Ennoshita's entire posture relaxed at his words.

“It won't happen again.”

“Great! Now that that's out of the way, we can finally eat.” Kinoshita muttered a quick blessing and opened his lunch box, reminding Kazuhito of his own hunger that had finally returned.

“Ugh, I left my bento in the classroom.”

“You can have some of mine,” Ennoshita offered immediately, obviously trying to make amends.

“Yeah, take one of my onigiri,” Kinoshita said, pointing at a rice ball with his chopsticks.

Smiling, Kazuhito took them up on their offers.

 


	4. Shrinking the distance, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much to say about this chapter. Hope you enjoy! The next one might take a while since we've reached the part where I need to make sure that things stay canon compliant^^

The shrill sound of his alarm clock broke through the pleasant dream Kazuhito was having. He tried to hold on to it by keeping his eyes closed as he grabbed around the bedside table. When he found the clock and turned it off, the images already started slipping his mind and all he was left with was the faint memory of a warm embrace and light brown hair beneath his fingertips.

Groaning, he opened his eyes and turned his head to see the red numbers of his alarm clock – 6:03. Something about that time was off and it took him another minute to realise that he could've slept in for another hour and a half, since he and his friends had decided to quit the club.

No more morning practice.

It was a strange feeling. He'd played volleyball almost every day for the last three years and starting today that was over.

_I should just go back to sleep._

Sighing, he set his alarm for 7:30 and closed his eyes again. Maybe he could revisit that dream he'd had. Warmth and soft hair. He'd probably dreamt about Kinoshita. It definitely wouldn't be the first time that had happened. Sometimes Kazuhito felt guilty about these dreams, especially when they were less than innocent, but at the same time they provided a certain comfort.

And so he imagined Kinoshita, smiling brightly, his dark eyes glittering in the sunlight and drifted off again...

 

Ennoshita was already sitting at his desk, when Kazuhito entered the classroom.

“So? What did you and Kinoshita decide to do?”

“We quit,” Kazuhito sighed, plopping down on his chair behind Ennoshita. “Feels weird.”

“I know,” his friend agreed, turning his chair around, so they could talk face to face. “Wanna hang out at my place after school?”

“Sounds good.”

“Great. I'll ask Kinoshita over as well. We could watch some DVDs...”

Kazuhito smiled and nodded at Ennoshita's ideas for the afternoon, trying not to think about how he'd be spending time with Kinoshita outside of volleyball or school for the first time.

 

The fact that the couch in the Ennoshitas' living room was just big enough to hold three fifteen-year-old boys was both a blessing and a curse. Somehow Kazuhito had ended up sitting in the middle and he was intensely aware of the way he was touching shoulders with Kinoshita while they were watching some obscure sci-fi film Ennoshita had found in his father's film collection. It was far from the first time that Kazuhito was this close to Kinoshita, they'd helped each other with their stretches during practice often enough, but the context was so different that it threw Kazuhito's brain for a loop.

_Your thighs are touching your thighs are touching your thighs are touching._ It didn't matter that Kazuhito was also touching thighs with Ennoshita. And then Kinoshita shifted his position, leaning his shoulder against Kazuhito's arm.  _He's leaning on you he's leaning on you he's leaning on you._

Kazuhito was really thankful that both his friends were really engrossed in what was happening on the TV screen, so that they never noticed how much he was blushing.

 

Hanging out at Ennoshita's instead of going to afternoon practice quickly became routine for the three of them. Sometimes they'd study together, other times they'd watch films. It was always a lot of fun. Kazuhito enjoyed spending time with his friends and being able to finally get to know Kinoshita better. It felt like they were getting closer each day.

But as nice as it felt to sit on the floor of Ennoshita's room in companionable silence, reading manga and snacking on a bowl of crisps, there was something missing. Kazuhito couldn't put his finger on it, though...

 

Two weeks after quitting the club, Kinoshita asked Ennoshita and Kazuhito if they wanted to come over to his house for once. Apparently both his older sister and his mother were out on dates, so they had the entire house to themselves. Kazuhito was way more excited about this than was appropriate, but he couldn't help himself. There was simply something special about going over to a friend's house for the first time.

“So your parents are divorced?” Ennoshita asked, as they sat down in the kitchen, waiting for the pizza they'd ordered for dinner.

“Yeah, but they're still friends,” Kinoshita said, shrugging. “They never had a real fight or anything. They just kinda fell out of love, I guess?” He shrugged again. “It was kinda weird at first, but I don't mind too much. My dad lives just around the corner, so I can see him whenever I want. And his new wife is really nice.”

“Do you visit him often?” Kazuhito asked curiously.

“I stay over every other Saturday. Their house is a lot smaller, so I don't wanna impose on them too much,” Kinoshita explained. “But they also come over for dinner sometimes. Mum and Anju-san get along really well and like to exchange recipes.”

Kazuhito couldn't really picture it. When one of his aunts got divorced two years ago, she had managed to drag his entire family into the drama with her. He couldn't imagine her sitting at the same table as her ex-husband, let alone making friends with his new wife.

“That sounds kinda surreal,” he admitted.

Kinoshita just laughed. “I know, right? I guess I'm just lucky that they never started any drama.”

The sound of the doorbell ringing cut their conversation short and then it was forgotten entirely, when they started tearing into the pizza.

 

“You should really come to practice again!” Nishinoya whined, trying to grab Kazuhito's arm. He had seen him and Tanaka try to forcefully drag Ennoshita to the gym just a couple of days ago and had no desire to go through that himself.

“I'm not needed anyway,” Kazuhito said, dodging Nishinoya's grabby hands.

“Bullshit! You should all come back. It's not the same without you guys!”

“I'm sorry, Nishinoya, but I quit volleyball for good.”

The libero made frustrated noise at the back of his throat and threw his arms up in the air, before stomping off in the direction of the gym. Guilt twisted Kazuhito's stomach. They had abandoned the club, hadn't they? There was no other way to phrase it. But there was no way Kazuhito could return as long as Ukai-san was still coaching. He actually doubted that Coach would be happy if they returned. It was a lot more likely that he'd straight up yell at them and kick them out of the gym.

Sighing, he got out his phone to see whether Ennoshita or Kinoshita had texted him. They'd both ended up drawing short straws when it had been time to choose committee members for the cultural festival.

 

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> we'll be done in 10mins hopefully. arita-sensei is talking too much @_@

 

Kazuhito smiled. Arita-sensei was his homeroom teacher, thus he knew about her tendency to ramble on and on without a sign of ever intending to shut up. He sat down on the steps leading down from the school's entrance. It was kinda chilly, reminding him that autumn was rapidly approaching. Soon it would be time for the Spring High preliminaries.

Maybe what was missing from his afternoons was volleyball. Not the sport itself, but the feeling of being on a team, of belonging, of fighting for a common goal... Another sigh escaped Kazuhito's mouth. Maybe it had been a mistake to quit, but it was too late to go back now.

 

The cultural festival didn't bring any relief for Kazuhito's plagued mind. He helped out with setting up his form's pancake café and he was in charge of making tea, because nobody would let him near the pancakes (which was probably for the best), but these activities didn't exactly help take his mind of the guilt. The fact that sometimes the club members would show up to get themselves pancakes also didn't help. Every time he spotted one of them, he'd make sure to avoid eye contact and he'd busy himself with neatly lining up the paper cups. He suddenly envied Ennoshita's position as a committee member, because he spent most of his time in the back, managing their supply of ingredients.

 

Two days after the cultural festival, Kazuhito was still on edge. He lay awake in his bed at night, staring up at the ceiling. There was a strip of light coming in through a gap in his curtains. It was barely enough to illuminate the room, but it was enough to distract Kazuhito from sleep.

Nishinoya had said that the club needed them. In a way that was hard to believe. Kazuhito had never been all that talented. Yes, he was a decent middle blocker, but he couldn't really pull off any fancy moves. He'd barely been able to coordinate with Sugawara-senpai for a Quick Attack. Why would the team need him? There would always be players who were better than him. Even Tanaka, who had never played the position in his entire life, would probably make a better middle blocker than Kazuhito.

The thought left a bitter after taste. Kazuhito didn't like being mediocre, but there was a limit to how much effort he could put into training, lest he collapse and endanger his health.

Groaning, he curled up in a ball and tried to think about something else, anything else. And obviously, the first thing that came to mind was Kinoshita's smile. He groaned again and squeezed his eyes shut. Thinking about Kinoshita wasn't entirely guilt-free either, but definitely better than volleyball...

 

The next morning Kazuhito woke to a text from one of his senpais.

 

From: Sawamura Daichi

> Coach Ukai collapsed and was admitted to the hospital. It looks like he won't be able to coach us any more.

 


	5. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're following me on tumblr, you might have noticed that this fic is not turning out as planned. But I think it's even more interesting this way? The really major plot points that I've planned out will still happen, tho xD  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter^^

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> did you get Daichi-san's text?

 

To: Kinoshita Hisashi

> Yes

 

When Kazuhito packed his school bag that morning, he threw in his track suit and volleyball shoes. He wasn't sure yet whether he'd actually use them, but he wanted them there, just in case he worked up the courage to return.

If they even wanted him back.

Hearing the news about Ukai-san had come with mixed feelings. Relief was followed by guilt was followed by uncertainty, and then all three of them were there at the same time as Kazuhito stared at the blackboard and tried to understand his teacher's writing. That day the kanji might as well have been random scribbles for how much sense they made to Kazuhito.

During breaks, Ennoshita was unusually quiet, but Kazuhito wasn't in the mood for talking anyway.

 

On his way to the gym, Kazuhito caught sight of Kinoshita. _Thank god. Looks like I'm not the only one._

“You're going back as well?” he asked.

Kinoshita nodded, hands shoved deeply into the pockets of his uniform. “I feel like I owe it to Ukai-san,” he explained. “He wanted the best for the team and we were pretty ungrateful towards his efforts.”

The words were like a punch to the gut, but they perfectly summed up Kazuhito's feelings on the matter. “Yeah. I guess we were.”

And then Ennoshita came running around the corner, stopping short as soon as he saw the two of them.

“Ah! If you're going in, you've gotta change first!” he said quietly, pointing in the direction of the gym.

“Did you...” Kazuhito wasn't sure how to finish that question, but Ennoshita seemed to know what he was getting at.

“I asked them whether I could practice with them again and Kurokawa-senpai said that I should get changed first. It looks like he's taken over for Ukai-san for now.”

So their former captain had come back to coach them. Kazuhito didn't know him too well yet and thus he didn't know how strict he'd be, but something told him that even if he turned out to be worse than Ukai-san, he'd never run away again. He'd rather work his ass off than abandon his club again.

And so they stepped into the gym again, running laps with their teammates. Nishinoya and Tanaka welcomed them back with the widest grins on their faces and when Kazuhito passed Sugawara-san, his senpai lightly punched his shoulder.

“It's good that you guys are back,” Daichi-san told them in the club room after practice.

_Yeah,_ Kazuhito thought, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck,  _this is where I belong_ .

 

They worked their asses off. Kazuhito had no idea where all this energy came from and why he hadn't been able to hold out while Ukai-san was still here. Sometimes when there was a lull during practice, he remembered Kinoshita's words.

“ _He wanted the best for the team and we were pretty ungrateful towards his efforts.”_

But it wasn't just the coach they'd let down. They'd also disappointed their teammates. Daichi-san, who had become their captain since the third-years retired from the club, always put so much effort into this club and when Kazuhito and his friends up and left, they'd made things unnecessarily difficult for him. Kazuhito wanted to make it up to him.

And maybe that was where his newfound motivation came from.

“Narita, you're up next!” Kurokawa-senpai yelled, tossing the ball into the air for a serve.

Kazuhito immediately snapped into position, watching the ball intently and stepping forward to receive it. It smacked against his lower arms, flying up in the air again, but the course was off.

“Move your entire body to control the ball, not just the arms,” Daichi-san reminded him. Kazuhito nodded, getting back into position.

“One more!”

 

The days were getting shorter and colder as the tournament drew near. As one of two remaining middle blocker on the team, Kazuhito probably didn't have to worry about whether he'd be on the starting line up, but he still gave it his all in practice, just in case Kurokawa-senpai wanted to replace him with someone else who usually played another position. He didn't want to be the weak link that would break during the tournament.

And he wasn't the only one who tried to maximise their team's chances of winning.

“My dad gave me his old camera and some equipment,” Ennoshita said as he put on his knee pads before morning practice. “I thought that we might be able to use it to film our practice to review it later. What do you think, Daichi-san?”

“Hm, I'll have to talk to Kurokawa-san first, but it's not a bad idea.”

Kinoshita pulled his t-shirt over his head and sighed. “I don't know if I wanna see my every failure on film.”

Kazuhito was with Kinoshita on that one, but he could also see the benefits. Practice could get really hectic at times and sometimes mistakes in their form could fly under the radar because of that.

In the end Korokawa-senpai decided that it was worth trying out. When Kazuhito entered the gym for morning practice the next day, he saw Ennoshita and their manager Kiyoko-san up on the stands, setting up the tripod and camera.

“Hey, Narita!” Ennoshita yelled, “Could you serve the ball once or twice? I want to see whether or not I need to turn off the autofocus.”

“Okay!” Kazuhito went over to the cart, picked up one ball after another and did serves until Ennoshita seemed satisfied with the set up of the camera.

 

***

 

There wasn't much Chikara could do to make up for the weeks of missed practice, but he'd do his best. Looking at the footage he'd taken during morning and afternoon practice, however, Chikara wasn't sure whether they could actually use any of it. They only had one angle on the court when the camera was sitting on the tripod and when Kiyoko-san had the camera in her hand, the footage was a little too shaky. Well, it had been worth a try at the very least.

He watched the footage anyway, laughing when he saw Tanaka try to show off with a particularly flashy spike that ended with him jumping right into the net. He hadn't seen it during the actual practice because he'd been busy doing flying falls. Tanaka could be such an idiot at times, but he was the likeable kind of idiot.

Next up had been Kinoshita. The run up for the spike looked pretty solid from the angle it'd been filmed at, but there was something off about his jump. He still managed to smack the ball down on the other side of the court, though. Narita gave Kinoshita a pat on the back, saying something that Chikara couldn't hear, since the camera's mic wasn't all that great. Kinoshita laughed and turned his back to Narita and then... What was that?

Chikara skipped back on the video rewatching the scene that had played out between his friends and pressed pause at the exact moment when Kinoshita turned around. Chikara had never seen a facial expression like that on Narita's face before. He seemed so... fond? No, that wasn't the right word. Lovestruck maybe?

Chikara had had a hunch that Narita might be gay since their time in middle school. It was just the way he behaved whenever the topic of girls was brought up, how he would immediately try to change the subject or divert the attention away from himself. But maybe Chikara was just projecting his own feelings about girls onto Narita. Maybe that look meant something entirely different and all of this was just wishful thinking, because Chikara didn't want to be the only gay guy on the team. Because maybe if he wasn't the only one who had feelings for other boys instead of girls, he wouldn't feel so alone.

Sighing, he started the video again. He should stop thinking like this. Even if Narita didn't share the same experiences as him, he was still his friend. And Kinoshita was his friend now as well. There was no reason to be lonely at all.

 


	6. Highs are followed by lows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update took so long, first uni kicked my butt, then depression kicked my butt and then it took forever to get Narita's voice right again. I hope this chapter is worth the wait tho :)

“Setter: Sugawara. Wing spikers: Sawamura, Azumane and Tanaka. Middle blockers: Narita and Matsuda. Libero: Nishinoya.” Kurokawa-senpai flipped his notebook shut and looked at the nine boys who were lined up in front of him. “We'll meet here at 7 o'clock for a last briefing before we get on the bus to Sendai. Make sure to get some rest tonight. I'll see you all tomorrow.”

The team bowed and left the gym together. Kazuhito was taken aback at being on the line up for the tournament, although he was perfectly aware that there were no other middle blockers aside from him and the only third year who hadn't retired from the team.

“How does it feel to be a starter?” Kinoshita asked, grinning over both his ears.

“It's not like there was any competition,” Kazuhito mumbled sheepishly. “But it's nice, I guess.”

Ennoshita rolled his eyes. “Come on! You're the only one of us cowards that gets to play tomorrow. Show a little more enthusiasm!”

Kazuhito shrugged. To be perfectly honest, he would've been happier if his friends' names had also been on Kurokawa-senpai's list. But he couldn't say that out loud. That would make him sound unnecessarily sappy.

“It's a shame you guys don't get to play,” he said instead and regretted it almost immediately. _Great, that sounded even worse._ But his friends didn't really seem to mind.

“Now you're just rubbing it in,” Kinoshita said, laughing and patting Narita on the back. “We'll cheer for you.”

 

The atmosphere in the Sendai City Gymnasium was overwhelming. Amidst the colourful uniforms, Karasuno's black and orange jerseys stood out and Kazuhito wasn't sure whether he liked that. People turned their heads as they followed Kurokawa-senpai and Suzuki-sensei through the hallways to the court.

“I'm getting too old for this,” Suzuki-sensei complained as he sat down on the bench. “Good thing that I'll retire next year.”

Kazuhito couldn't remember that their club adviser had ever actually done anything to help them in the last couple of months. Back in middle school their teacher had made sure to set up practice matches for them as often as possible, but all Suzuki-sensei had ever done was to organise a bus for them to get to Sendai for the tournaments and sit on the bench while the coach did all the hard work. He was an adviser only in name.

“I really hope that we get a better adviser next year,” Tanaka grumbled, pushing the ball cart to where Kurokawa-senpai was waiting for them.

“Okay, we'll start with receives! Everyone line up!”

 

The first match was intense. Kazuhito did his best to block their opponents attacks, but they broke through more often than he would've liked. Luckily, Nishinoya's and Daichi-san's receives were so solid that they managed to save the balls that went past Kazuhito's block most of the time. They managed to win 2-0, though the last set was a close one. Kazuhito couldn't put into words what he felt when Asahi-san slammed down that last spike that secured their victory. He immediately turned his head to look at the score board, unable to believe that they had won until he saw it with his own eyes.

“Asahi!”

“Great spike Azumane!”

Everyone was shouting praise for their ace, but all Kazuhito could do was stand there and grin like an idiot.

 

“You played solidly, but don't get complacent,” Kurokawa-senpai reminded them afterwards. “Our next opponents will be Dateko. They aren't called the Iron Wall for nothing.”

 

***

 

Watching from the sidelines was nothing new for Chikara. Even during middle school, he'd had to wait until his third year to become a regular, so he hadn't expected it to be any different in high school. But watching Asahi-san go up against Dateko's blockers was as frustrating as if Chikara was the one on the court, as if he was the one being blocked. Chikara could see the dread on his teammate's face whenever he prepared to spike, until dread turned into resignation and suddenly Karasuno's ace fell silent. Dateko's blockers had broken him, dooming Karasuno to a bitter defeat.

Chikara clenched his fists at his sides as his teammates bowed in front of the few people that had shown up to cheer for them.

Watching from the sidelines might not have been anything new, but he still hated it.

 

***

 

“You won't know if you don't try damnit! The next one could've gone through for all you know!”

Kazuhito had never seen Noya this angry and he'd never heard Asahi-san yell back with so much fervour. He was watching his team fall apart around him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Maybe this failure could've been prevented if Kazuhito had never quit the club. Maybe the team's dynamics would've been better. Maybe he could've blocked or received more of Dateko's attacks. Maybe Suga-san and him could've pulled off a quick attack.

But it was already too late. The match was over and there was no changing the past.

The mop broke in half and with that the team would lose two of their most reliable players.

 

That night, Kinoshita sighed when they reached the place where their ways home diverged.

“Don't berate yourself. You did your best under the circumstances you were under,” he said, patting Kazuhito on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I know.” Coming from anyone else the encouragement would've rang hollow, but not from Kinoshita. He knew exactly what was going on in Kazuhito's head, he probably would've felt the same way if he'd been allowed to play.

“Good. See you tomorrow at practice.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Burying his hands deep in the pockets of his track suit, Kazuhito continued his way home. At least one thing was certain – his two closest friends would stay in the club with him until the very end. They would get another chance and maybe one day all three of them would be allowed to stand on the court together.

 


	7. Watching from the sidelines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been waiting to get to this chapter for ages and here it finally is! This chapter comes with an illustration that I commissioned from my lovely friend [Quidditchchik](http://quidditchchick.tumblr.com) (here's her [commision info](http://quidditchchick.tumblr.com/tagged/commissions) if anyone's interested :3).  
> Enjoy!

With the new school year came a new club adviser. Takeda-sensei was the polar opposite of his predecessor – highly motivated, but utterly clueless about volleyball. Kazuhito certainly preferred him over Suzuki-sensei, even if he wasn't sure how useful he'd be in the grand scheme of things. It didn't take long, however, for Takeda-sensei to prove Kazuhito's doubts wrong when he announced that he'd found a new coach for them. In the beginning, Kazuhito had been scared that Ukai Keishin would be just like his grandfather, but while he was strict in his own way and the complete opposite of soft-spoken, Kazuhito got used to him and his training methods a lot faster.

And then there were the first-years. Hinata and Kageyama easily took the spotlight with their freak quick attack (they also played a huge role in getting Asahi-san and Nishinoya to return to the club), and Tsukishima's height and skill as a middle blocker were undeniable. Even before the Golden Week training camp started, Kazuhito knew that the first-years would take his place as starting middle blocker away from him. Of course, he was happy that the team had attracted new talent, but there was still frustration at the back of his mind. It was always the same sentence, repeating over and over again in quiet moments during practice – _if only I had never run away from the club._ As pointless as they were, Kazuhito couldn't really stop himself from having these thoughts.

Being confronted about the time he'd spent running away by Kageyama and Hinata didn't exactly help either. The training camp had barely started and already he was reminded of his shortcomings. After the two volleyball idiots had run off to the bathroom, Kazuhito found himself lying on his futon, staring up at the ceiling.

_I need to work harder. I need to be good enough to stand in for Hinata or Tsukishima if one of them gets injured. I need to –_

His string of thoughts was interrupted when Kinoshita sat down on the futon next to him. “We're not gonna give up again, right?”

“Yeah, we're not gonna give up,” Kazuhito agreed. “I'm not gonna stop until I get to play in a real match with you and Ennoshita.”

“Then we should get some rest, so we can go all out in practice tomorrow,” Ennoshita suggested, taking the futon on Kazuhito's other side.

 

The Inter High tournament approached at a rapid speed and before Kazuhito knew it, he found himself watching from the sidelines, just like last year. It felt different, though. The team was different. The arrival of the first-years had stirred things up and as agitated as he was about not being on the starting line-up because of them, he still cared about this team more than he'd done last year. He found himself cheering alongside Suga-san and the others, yelling at the top of his lungs, giving out high-fives whenever possible. More than ever he wanted his team to succeed. If they won, if they managed to go to nationals, the chance of getting to play would become higher.

And then came Aoba Johsai and destroyed Karasuno's dream.

Kazuhito sat on the bench, staring at the scoreboard in utter disbelief. They'd all put in so much work and sacrifice to get here only to be stopped by Oikawa and his teammates. When his vision started to get blurry, Kazhito realised that he was crying over a lost match for the first time in his life. He buried his face in his hands, trying to keep the sobs under control. Not even their catastrophic loss against Dateko had hit him this hard and this time around he hadn't even had the chance to stand on the court.

And then there was a hand softly stroking over his back. He looked to the side to find Kinoshita sitting next to him, tears streaming down his face. Kazuhito leaned his head against Kinoshita's shoulder, uncaring of what others might think and taking comfort in his friend's proximity.

 

***

 

Sometimes Chikara felt like a voyeur, watching Narita's pining for their mutual friend from afar. The more attention Chikara paid them, the more obvious it became that Narita was utterly in love with Kinoshita. Were the feelings mutual? Chikara couldn't tell. As much as he liked Kinoshita, he'd never been able to read him very well. He was the kind of person who stayed out of the way and took great pains not to draw attention. It was as if Kinoshita would've preferred to stay invisible at all times.

But as he saw the two of them crying together, Chikara thought that it probably didn't even matter whether or not Kinoshita reciprocated Narita's feelings. Their friendship was already stronger than any romantic bond could ever be. And so he turned his eyes away and helped Kiyoko-san with handing out water bottles to his teammates.

 

The volleyball club was unusually quiet as they stepped out of the restaurant. Even when Daichi-san thanked their coach and adviser for the meal they simply bowed their heads in respect instead of loudly affirming their captain's words.

Chikara could hear a soft sniffle behind him as the team dispersed. He took a look over his shoulder, seeing Tanaka trailing behind him and rummaging through his bag. Chikara slowed down his steps and took out a pack of tissues from his own bag, silently handing them to Tanaka.

“Thanks.”

Chikara smiled tiredly and shoved his hands into the pockets of his track suit. Out of all the team members, Tanaka probably was the most emotional. He was easily riled up, but also easily saddened. And Chikara had never been one to sit still when his friends needed comfort.

“You did your best out there.”

“My best wasn't good enough, though,” Tanaka shot back before blowing his nose. “Did you see the smug look on Oikawa's face when they scored the last point? Ugh.”

Chikara had been too busy fighting back tears to notice any smug looks.

“We'll get another chance. We'll beat them next time.” He wasn't sure he believed his own words, but Tanaka needed to hear them.

Tanaka sighed deeply and blew his nose again. “Yeah. Next time.”

When their paths diverged and Chikara watched Tanaka walk away, his throat felt impossibly dry.

_Narita and I are both unlucky bastards, aren't we?_

 

***

 

Takeda-sensei's announcement that they would be taking part in a training camp with four powerhouse schools from the Tokyo area took Kazuhito by surprise. He had been anticipating the upcoming exams, though, unlike some others on the team.

Lucky for Tanaka and Nishinoya, Ennoshita took it upon himself to make them study relentlessly until Kazuhito swore he could see visible smoke coming out of their ears. He and Kinoshita usually tagged along, although neither of them needed much tutoring. It was simply nice to have company.

When they took a break so Tanaka could get them some more snacks from the kitchen, Kinoshita groaned and flopped over on his side, so that his head was resting in Kazuhito's lap.

 _Holy shit._ Was he doing this on purpose?

“I'm so tired,” Kinoshita mumbled, seemingly unaware of the position he was in. “I wish exams were over already so that we can finally go to Tokyo.”

“Er, same,” Kazuhito said, trying desperately to fight the blush that threatened to take over every square centimetre of his skin, but failing miserably.

And then Tanaka burst back into the room, carrying an arm full of snacks, prompting Kinoshita to get back up again to grab some pretzel sticks.

Kazuhito wasn't entirely sure whether he should be glad that the moment was over or not.

 

Kazuhito's exam results could have been a little better, but he was satisfied with the results nonetheless. But his satisfaction was quickly overshadowed by dread when he found out about Kageyama and Hinata having failed. Karasuno wasn't particularly bad without their freak combo, but they wouldn't stand a chance against Nekoma and the others without them.

There was nothing he himself could do, but somehow Tanaka managed to get his older sister on board. This way they would only have to get through the first morning without them.

 

“Okay, for this set we'll go with this line-up,” Ukai-san said, holding up a small whiteboard with magnets representing the different players. It was basically the B-team: Suga-san as the setter, Kinoshita, Ennoshita and Tanaka as the wing spikers, Yamaguchi and Kazuhito as the middle blockers and Nishinoya as their ever present libero guarding their backs. “Yamaguchi, you'll be up for serving first. It would be good if you could get some points right at the start, but don't worry too much if it doesn't work out. Shinzen's receives are nowhere near the level of Nekoma, but we can't underestimate them...”

Their coach went on about strategies for a while, but Kazuhito was hit by the sudden realisation that for the first time since their first year he'd be playing with Ennoshita and Kinoshita. It was just a practice match, but it still sent a surge of happiness through him. If they showed good teamwork today they might increase their chances of standing on the court together at the tournament eventually.

As he got into position Kazuhito couldn't help the grin that spread on his face. This was their chance to shine and he was ready to fight.

“Yamaguchi, give them a nice one!” Ennoshita yelled after the whistle had announced the start of the set. Yamaguchi-kun took a deep breath, threw the ball up in the air and sent it flying towards the other side of the court. The ball brushed the top of the net, dropping on the other side so that the only one who could receive it was Shinzen's setter, who sent it flying back towards Karasuno's side of the court.

Ennoshita had to dive to get it, but managed to send it to Suga-san.

Kinoshita was already running up for his spike. There were two blockers up against him, but one of them was a little too slow on his jump. The ball ricocheted off his fingers out of bounds. The biggest grin suddenly stretched across Kinoshita's face as he turned around to look at Kazuhito, arms outstretched for a high-five. Kazuhito felt warm all over at seeing Kinoshita this happy.

 _This is exactly what I wanted_ , he thought and clapped his hands against Kinoshita's, smiling a little to himself.

When he returned to his position, Kazuhito's eyes met with Ennoshita's. For a split second, Kazuhito thought that maybe he'd been too obvious about his affection, but he dismissed the thought immediately. There was nothing weird about giving your teammate a high-five.

 

***

 

Karasuno's B-team lost the set 20-25.

Chikara sighed and took one last sip of water before they had to do their lap of flying falls. Sometimes it felt wrong to observe Narita and Kinoshita this closely, but then again, it was better than having to think about his own emerging feelings for Tanaka.

 


	8. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again...  
> Sorry for the long wait, but uni and depression have decided to team up against me, so my writing process was really fucking slow. The next chapter might also take a while, because I'm still drowning in lab reports.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Talking about the future of the club – one without Daichi-san, Suga-san and Asahi-san – was uncomfortable. Kazuhito knew that they had to decide on a new team captain eventually, and he and all the other second-years agreed that Ennoshita was the best choice, but that didn't make the prospect of his third and last year of high school any less intimidating. Even if _he_ wasn't going to be the one to lead the team, there would be new responsibilities and new first-years and university entrance exams...

Yeah, Kazhito wasn't particularly looking forward to any of that. He preferred to focus on what was right in front of them – the Spring Tournament.

A disagreement between Kageyama and Hinata had caused a shift in the entire team's attitude. Watching his teammates fumble on the court was a strange feeling and whenever Kazuhito was subbed in during the summer training camp, it was even harder to find his place amongst them than it usually was. But there was progress. Every day another gear clicked into place until by the end of summer break Karasuno worked like a well-oiled machine.

 

The Spring Tournament brought with it a heightened sense of determination. Kazuhito was on edge in the best way possible – the nerves were enough to keep him alert, but not overwhelming. Stepping into the Sendai City Gymnasium, he couldn't help being amused and slightly exasperated by Noya and Tanaka and how they desperately tried to defend Kiyoko-san from the other teams. He didn't envy her position in the least.

As they were getting warmed up for the first match someone from another team approached the group of second-years. Kazuhito felt like he'd seen the guy before, but he couldn't put a name to the face. Kinoshita, however, immediately smiled and waved him over.

“Imai-senpai!” he greeted him enthusiastically. “It's been a while.”

Kazuhito suddenly remembered why Imai was familiar. Back in middle school, he'd seen him riding the bus to school with Kinoshita on multiple occasions.

“I wanted to talk to you during the Interhigh, but it never worked out,” Imai explained.

“Oh, I didn't even see you that time,” Kinoshita said, an excited blush rising on his cheeks. A lump was forming in Kazuhito's throat as he watched his friend catch up with his old teammate. Something about the way Kinoshita laughed was off. He almost seemed shy, and that was just plain weird.

“We should exchange numbers!” Kinoshita blurted out, prompting Imai to get out his phone.

“Sure.”

The cocky smile on Imai's face was enough to piss Kazuhito off.

_Calm down, you don't even know the guy_ , he told himself, but it didn't help all that much, so he just excused himself to the bathroom. Leaning on the sink, he rested his forehead against the cold glass of the mirror. 

He hated to admit it to himself, but he was jealous for no damn reason. So what if Kinoshita was excited to see his senpai? He hadn't seen him in a long time and they used to be quite friendly with each other; obviously, Kinoshita would be happy to see him again. And it wasn't like Kazuhito wanted Kinoshita to be all shy around him like he was around Imai. They were friends and he loved the fact that Kinoshita was _comfortable_ with him.

_I'm an idiot._

Taking a deep breath, Kazuhito stepped back from the sink. Kinoshita was allowed to have other friends beside his teammates at Karasuno, so Kazuhito would have to suck it up and ignore the jealousy.

He checked the mirror one last time to make sure that his face had a neutral expression, before going back to his team for the warm-up. He really hoped that his sudden change in mood wasn't too obvious to the others.

 

Winning against Seijoh felt like liberation. They'd somehow managed to overcome Oikawa and now the only thing that stood in Karasuno's way to Nationals was Shiratorizawa. The prospect of facing Ushiwaka was scary, but Kazuhito barely paid attention to those thoughts. He was too preoccupied with Kinoshita having reunited with Imai. Even days later he felt the jealousy flare up again. He never acted on it, never said anything to anyone, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't suppress the feeling itself. It gnawed away at him and one night, after an exhausting practice, his mother noticed that something was up.

Kazuhito was glaring into his bowl of stew, thinking about how Kinoshita had kept smiling at his phone whenever Imai had sent him a text.

“Is everything okay?” his mother asked, concern lining her face as she looked at him from across the kitchen table.

“Yeah. I'm just exhausted,” Kazuhito mumbled, shoving some food into his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk.

“I know that volleyball means a lot to you, but don't overdo it, okay?”

Kazuhito nodded, although it wasn't the sport that had him feeling so tired.

 

***

 

Having gotten his first taste of captaincy, Chikara still felt drained and it certainly didn't help that Narita's pining for Kinoshita was becoming more and more obvious ever since Kinoshita had exchanged numbers with that Imai guy. More than once, Chikara noticed the dejected look in Narita's eyes when Kinoshita chose to read a text message he'd received from his senpai rather than continue the conversation he was having with his friends. Personally, Chikara didn't mind it that Kinoshita was a little distracted, but while these moments didn't happen very frequently, they happened often enough for Chikara to feel bad for Narita.

But he didn't have the time to dwell on any of that. If he wanted Karasuno to go to Nationals, he would need to be prepared, both mentally and physically, in case his team needed him again.

 

***

 

As nerve-wracking as it was to be a substitute during a match against a powerhouse like Shiratorizawa, Kazuhito preferred this feeling over irrational jealousy.

“Nice serve!”

It felt like he'd swallowed a bunch of live snakes that were now hissing and winding inside his stomach, but he tossed the ball into the air for a serve anyway.

“Here I go!”

Before he even knew what was happening Shiratorizawa sent the ball flying back towards him. His body moved on instinct to receive the ball. It bounced off Kazuhito's arms at an awkward angle, but Tanaka somehow managed to save it.

“Asahi-san!”

The ace's spike hit the wall of blockers, flying directly toward Hinata who, in the very last second, turned his face, receiving the ball with his cheek. Kazuhito could barely believe his eyes as Hinata immediately recovered from the impact and ran halfway across the court to act as a decoy for Tanaka's attack.

As the ball hit Shiratorizawa's side of the court, the snakes in Kazuhito's stomach stopped moving. Turning his head, he saw Kinoshita and Ennoshita cheering from the sidelines and for a tiny fraction of a second he understood why Hinata and Kageyama were so crazy about volleyball. This feeling was addictive. Being part of this team, working with them and supporting them, Kazuhito loved it. Maybe he wasn't the best middle blocker on his team, but he could help. The smiles on his best friends' faces were proof enough.

As scared as he was of his last school year, Kazuhito would continue fighting. For his team. For Kinoshita and Ennoshita. And for himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Farin Urlaub - Immer noch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_kP1CGt81E)   
>  _Ich warte immer noch darauf / I'm still waiting for it..._


	9. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm procrastinating on writing lab reports, so I finished writing this chapter. With this we'll be all caught up with what happens in the manga and everything from here on out is wild speculation on my part. Hope you enjoy!

Looking back on the time between their victory against Shiratorizawa and Nationals, Kazuhito could barely remember specific events. The entire time had been spent practising, sometimes in the dead of night behind Kinoshita's house, despite the fact that their breath was visible in the dim light from the street lamp. Countless hours had been spent perfecting Kinoshita's jump float serve and along the way Kazuhito and Ennoshita had learnt to receive it in return.

The only event that really stood out to Kazuhito was their practice with Dateko. Despite having spent so much time on his serves, Kinoshita never even tried to compete for a spot on the regular line up. Kazuhito could understand his desire to go unnoticed, he himself was not a fan of having the spotlight on him, but he felt like it was a shame that his friend's abilities weren't being used. That was until Ukai-san decided to send him in as pinch server during the practice match.

Kinoshita almost looked constipated as he stepped up to the line for his serve. It was obvious that he wasn't comfortable in his position, but once he scored his first service ace something about the way he held himself changed. There was a little more self-confidence in his stride, even after his next serve went out of bounds. Kazuhito was more smitten with him than ever before, but luckily there was not a lot of time to dwell on those feelings.

Before Kazuhito knew it he was in Tokyo, getting ready for the first match on the national stage.

The pressure messed with everyone's heads at first, but luckily they somehow managed to regain enough composure to win their first match against Tsubakihara. Kazuhito spent the entire match cheering on his team from the sidelines. It was nerve-wracking to see Kinoshita's serve go out of bounds when he was subbed in as a pinch server. For a second Kazuhito thought that Kinoshita would be frustrated and angry with himself, but instead, there was nothing but determination on his friend's face as he came back to the bench.

 

***

 

Nationals were a roller coaster ride of emotions for Chikara. The matches on their own would've been bad enough. Playing against the best teams from all over Japan was exhausting and exciting at the same time and somehow they actually managed to make the long-awaited Battle at the Garbage Dump a reality. At times the adrenaline was overwhelming. Being a bench warmer, Chikara only got to play for a couple minutes at a time, but stepping onto the court in front of a huge audience probably ended up shaving a couple of years off of his life anyway. In the end, Karasuno lost to Nekoma 27 to 29 in the third set.

But to be perfectly honest, losing did not hurt quite as much as having to put on a smiling face when Tanaka's old childhood friend Amanai Kanoka confessed her feelings to Tanaka before they went back home. Chikara had seen the heartbreak coming right from the start. Tanaka had always had an unhealthy obsession with getting a girlfriend and he was a really great guy. Eventually, a girl just _had_ to fall in love with him and of course, Tanaka would say yes when she would ask him to go out with her. At least Kanoka honestly seemed like a really sweet girl who would treat Tanaka well.

And so Chikara just smiled and teased his friend like he always did. Although it felt like his heart was bleeding, he could still be happy for Tanaka and he swore to himself that he'd never do anything to get in the way (even if he cried himself to sleep that night).

 

***

 

“In this case, aluminium chloride will act as a Lewis acid, so it...” Kazuhito's explanation was interrupted by the sound of Kinoshita's phone vibrating on the table.

“Sorry, I'll turn it off,” Kinoshita said sheepishly. He'd been the one to ask Kazuhito for help with his chemistry homework, but their study session was constantly interrupted by messages from Imai. Kazuhito tried his best to stay calm but he was annoyed and still kind of jealous for no reason.

“We can just take a short break for now,” Kazuhito suggested with a sigh. “I'm going to get us something to drink.”

Why did it have to be Kinoshita? Out of all the people to fall in love with, why did it have to be his friend and teammate? If it had been some random classmate, Kazuhito might have actually been able to gather up enough courage to confess. But with Kinoshita, there was too much at stake.

_It'd be a freaking miracle if he was interested in guys and even more of a miracle if he was interested in_ me.

Groaning, Kazuhito grabbed a pitcher of barley tea from the fridge and returned to his room where Kinoshita was waiting for him.

“Sorry about the phone. I told Imai that I'm studying and that he needs to quit texting me.”

_If it turns out that he has a crush on Imai, I'll punch a wall_ .

 

Saying goodbye to the third-years was harder than Kazuhito would have imagined. Suga-san, Daichi-san, and Asahi-san had been the foundation of Karasuno's volleyball club and their absence would be felt for a long time. After the graduation ceremony everyone gathered at the gym one last time, but instead of practice everyone just reminisced about the last year and how far they had come as a team. They remembered the practice matches, the time Hinata had served a ball to the back of Kageyama's head and how it felt to finally beat Dateko and Seijoh, but most of the time was spent on the match against Shiratorizawa and the Nationals. 

Eventually, they were thrown out of the gym by the janitor who wanted to lock up. Everyone paused at the school gate to say goodbye. 

“Ennoshita, Tanaka, I'm counting on you to keep this bunch of idiots in check,” Daichi-san said, putting a hand on each of their shoulders.

“We're not going to disappoint you,” Ennoshita said, while Tanaka tried his hardest to hold back tears. 

 

***

 

During spring break Chikara would often meet up with Narita and sometimes Kinoshita. It was hard to get a hold of Kinoshita these days. Quite often he would decline Chikara's invitations to hang out because he'd already made plans with Imai. It was obvious that Narita was getting more and more frustrated with the situation as time went on. Chikara could understand both of them. Kinoshita wanted to spend as much time with his senpai before he would leave for university in Kyoto and Narita wanted to spend time with Kinoshita. As guilty as it made Chikara feel, he was glad about the drama, because it helped him distract himself from his own heartbreak.

“This sucks,” Narita muttered as he and Chikara sat in Chikara's living room, watching a romantic comedy. “Watching this kind of stuff without Kinoshita's commentary is boring.”

“Yeah,” Chikara agreed with a sigh. “He'll be back to spending time with us soon enough, though. Imai will leave in two weeks.”

Narita grumbled something under his breath that Chikara couldn't quite understand, but it was obvious that it must've been something about Imai. “You don't like him very much, do you?”

“I don't actually know him,” Narita said, frowning, “but I didn't like his facial expression when he talked to Kinoshita at the tournament. He seemed arrogant.”

“He seemed friendly enough to me.”

“He probably is,” Narita admitted. “I still don't like him.”

“Because he's taking away Kinoshita?” Chikara asked carefully. 

“I...” Narita paused, fists clenching and unclenching in his lap.

“Do you like him?” Chikara didn't know why he was pressing the issue. It was none of his business if Narita actually had a crush on Kinoshita. The only thing he would get out of this was the satisfaction of knowing that his years of speculation had been right.

Narita closed his eyes, hanging his head. “I... I do.”

“I have a crush on Tanaka if that makes you feel better,” Chikara offered the only bit of comfort he could. Narita was not alone in this stupid situation. 

“So we're both gay and we're both idiots?” Narita asked, sounding almost relieved. 

“Yeah.”

Narita laughed, rubbing his temples with the tips of his fingers. “I should've told you sooner.”

“Same.” Chikara turned his attention back to the film they'd been watching. “I have no idea what's going on anymore.”

“Me neither.”

“Let's watch something else.”

 

 

***

 

 

Lying on his bed that night, Kazuhito couldn't stop thinking about how much it must've hurt Ennoshita to see Tanaka accept Kanoka's confession. Apparently, Ennoshita could be a great actor if he wanted to because Kazuhito had never noticed a single change in his behaviour toward Tanaka. He wondered if he would be this supportive of Kinoshita if he ever got a girlfriend. It was bad enough to see Kinoshita smile at a text message from his senpai. It would probably be ten times worse to see him with a girlfriend.

Groaning, Kazuhito turned around, smothering his face in his pillow. _That would totally suck, but I want him to be happy._

Why couldn't any of this feelings stuff be easier? Why couldn't he just fall in love with girls like most people did?

Kazuhito's thoughts were interrupted by the chime of a Line notification.

 

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> are you home?

 

To: Kinoshita Hisashi

> Yes

> Did something happen?

 

From: Kinoshita Hisashi

> open the door, I'm outside your house

 

Instantly, Kazuhito jumped off his bed and quietly went to the front door, since everyone else was already asleep.

Opening the front door, Kazuhito found himself face to face with a crying Kinoshita.

“Can I come in?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I doing this to myself? ;_;


	10. Out in the open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that ominous first paragraph I used as a start for this fic? Well...

“Are you alright?” Kazuhito asked as he sat down next to Kinoshita.

Kinoshita was curled up in Kazuhito's bed, constantly wiping at the tears that continued to flow down his cheeks. When had Kazuhito last felt so helpless? He couldn't recall. Seeing his friend look so broken was painful.

“D-do you promise that you won't stop being m-my friend if I tell you?” Kinoshita asked. His voice sounded rough and shaky.

“Of course.”

“I... I was rejected by Imai-senpai. He apparently likes me enough to make out with me, but not enough to go out with me,” Kinoshita said, sniffling slightly.

“You... Imai?” Kazuhito couldn't form proper sentences anymore. He'd suspected that Kinoshita had a thing for Imai, but hearing it from his own mouth... It felt like someone had poured out a bucket of cold water over his head.

“I knew you'd freak out about me being gay...” Kinoshita laughed bitterly.

“No! That's not it! Just... I'm surprised?” That was putting it mildly, but Kazuhito had no idea what else to say.

Kinoshita's laughter turned into a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness...”

“So Imai rejected you?” Kazuhito was still trying to process this information. Kinoshita actually liked Imai. Looking back on the last couple of months it was more than obvious with the way Kinoshita had been glued to his phone and how often he'd chosen to hang out with Imai instead of Kazuhito and Ennoshita.

“Yeah. I had the biggest crush on Imai during middle school, and when I hung out with him and his friends two weeks ago he told us that he's bi so I... I kinda jumped at the opportunity? I told him that I'm gay and I started flirting with him as a joke – well, he thought it was a joke until I suggested that we could practise kissing. And since he'd never kissed a guy and he wanted to try...” A sudden sob escaped Kinoshita's throat and with it came another flood of tears. “I'm so stupid. I... I should've known better. J-just because he's... curious about.... k-kissing and sex, doesn't mean he likes me. H-he said he likes me as a f-friend but he wouldn't want to date me.”

Instinctively, Kazuhito reached out for Kinoshita's hand. There were so many conflicting emotions raging inside of him. He wanted to confess his feelings, wanted to tell Kinoshita that he should forget about Imai and just date him instead... But he couldn't. Kinoshita deserved better. Right now, Kinoshita needed a friend and nothing else, and so Kazuhito would act accordingly.

_I will not take advantage of his vulnerability_ .

“At least he was honest with you.”

“Still hurts,” Kinoshita mumbled, tightly gripping onto Kazuhito's hand.

“I know.”

“We were _this_ _close_ to having sex... I'm so glad we didn't.”

Kazuhito ignored the queasy feeling in his stomach and started rubbing circles on the back of Kinoshita's hand with his thumb. “Did you want to have sex with him?”

“Yes and no. We were already down to our underwear when I stopped him and told him that I don't want that without a relationship and...” Kinoshita sucked in a sharp breath. “He asked if I wanted to have a relationship with him and I said yes and he... he told me no.”

Kazuhito had no idea what to say anymore, so he squeezed Kinoshita's hand instead.

“Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to be alone,” Kinoshita whispered into the silence between them.

“Won't your mum be worried?”

“She thinks I'm staying with my dad.”

“Okay. You can have the bed, I'll get myself a futon.” Kazuhito was about to get up, but Kinoshita tightened his grip on him.

“Would you... would you mind...”

The expression on Kinoshita's face broke Kazuhito's heart. It was loneliness, pain, and vulnerability all mashed together. Only a monster could have refused him.

 

And now there Kazuhito was, holding Kinoshita's hand while he slept. Kazuhito knew that he should get some rest as well, but he didn't want to move and accidentally wake his friend and he also doubted that he'd be able to fall asleep, not when he felt wide awake. Especially not with Kinoshita right next to him. Sighing, he grabbed his phone to look at the time – 3:27.

At least he was still on break, so he'd be able to catch up on sleep in the afternoon.

_This has been one hell of a day_ , he thought, looking down at Kinoshita. First Ennoshita told him that he's gay and now Kinoshita turned out to be gay as well, and everything would've been perfect if it hadn't been for the fact that Imai was a blind idiot who was unable to see that Kinoshita was perfect boyfriend material. The more he thought about it, Kazuhito realised that he would have preferred it if Imai had reciprocated Kinoshita's feelings. He would've rather been in Ennoshita's position. At least Ennoshita knew that Tanaka is happy with his girlfriend. 

 

Something warm was pressed up against Kazuhito's chest and there was a tickling sensation on his chin, but it was the noise of his mum stomping through the hallway that woke him up.

“Kazuhito, wake up! It's almost noon already!”

The door opened, Kazuhito slowly pried open his eyes and realised that he was in one hell of an unfortunate position when his mother looked at him with raised eyebrows. He had fallen asleep and at some point started cuddling with Kinoshita who was now frozen solid against his chest, obviously shocked at the sudden arrival of Kazuhito's mother.

“It's not what it looks like!” Kazuhito blurted out, quickly sitting up.

“Yeah, I don't care. Come down for lunch once you boys are both decent.” And with that, his mother shut the door again.

“She thinks we had sex, doesn't she?” Kinoshita groaned.

“Well, at least she doesn't seem to mind that I'm gay,” Kazuhito sighed, throwing off the blanket and getting out of bed. This was not how he wanted to tell his mother about his preferences, but if the look on her face was anything to go by, she'd already drawn her conclusions.

“You are gay?! What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me?!”

Kazuhito could practically feel Kinoshita's eyes burning a hole in his back. It honestly hadn't occurred to him to come out to Kinoshita last night.

Slowly, he turned around. “Erm, because I was busy trying to comfort you? I'm not going to talk about myself when you are crying your eyes out.”

“Oh.” Kinoshita's face contorted to a grimace. “Right. That happened.”

_Oh fuck, I'm just making everything worse._

“Well... We should wash up and go downstairs before my mum gets angry.”

 

Needless to say, lunch was an awkward affair that stretched out for way too long without anybody saying anything other than “Could you pass me the salt?” and “Thanks for the food.” Kazuhito simply shovelled the food into his mouth as quickly as possible, wishing for lightning to strike him down on the spot. He was overly aware of Kinoshita's presence beside him. The smug, knowing smile on his mum's face did not help either.

Afterward, Kinoshita and Kazuhito got up as quickly as possible and fled right back to Kazuhito's room.

“She totally thinks we did it,” Kinoshita groaned once again. 

“I'm ninety percent sure I'm going to get the talk once you leave,” Kazuhito said, rubbing his temples to ward off a building headache. 

“I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault. Do you feel any better now?” Kazuhito asked, sitting down on his unmade bed.

“Still feel like shit, but crying helped, I think.” Kinoshita shrugged. “Thanks by the way. For listening.”

“Anytime.”

“I... I should get going before my mum figures out that I'm not actually staying with my dad.”

“Will you be alright?” Kazuhito still remembered the sound of Kinoshita's voice, all desperate and broken, when he'd asked Kazuhito to let him stay the night.

Kinoshita smiled, though it seemed forced. “It'll be fine. Not like I can change anything about Imai's feelings for me.”

 

Once Kinoshita had left, Kazuhito heard his mother call out to him from the living room. Kazuhito was not looking forward to the conversation, but it was unavoidable.

Sighing, he went and sat down next to her on the couch.

“I hope you two are using condoms,” was the first sentence to leave her mouth, making Kazuhito flinch.

“We're not having sex,” he said, utterly mortified.

“Oh come on, Kazuhito,” his mother rolled her eyes, “you've been making eyes at him ever since you brought him over for the first time. I'm not blind.”

Kazuhito sank in on himself. Was it really that obvious? Why did everyone have to notice? “Does Dad know?”

“We've talked about it. Neither of us mind.”

Well, that was a relief, but Kazuhito still had to set the record straight. “I like him. But we're not going out and we're certainly not having sex. He was just really sad yesterday and didn't want to be alone.”

Sighing, Kazuhito's mother put an arm around his shoulder. “Hang in there. He'd be an idiot to reject such an intelligent and good-looking young man.”

“You're just saying that because you're my mother,” Kazuhito grumbled.

“Doesn't make it any less true.”

 

***

 

Chikara was not surprised about the fact that Kinoshita was gay. He hadn't been as obvious about it as Narita, but hearing him say it out loud felt right, like everything fell into place. 

“Ugh, he sent me a text,” Kinoshita muttered, looking at his phone and then at Narita and Chikara. “Would one of you mind reading it for me?”

Chikara held out his hand, taking the phone and opening the Line app.

 

From: Imai

> Hey, Kinoshita-kun. I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't think that you were actually interested in me. I projected my own curiosity onto you and I shouldn't have done that. I know that you probably need some space right now, but if you ever feel like being friends again I'm up for it. Sorry I was an inconsiderate asshole.

 

Nothing about this situation was easy, and as much as Chikara would've liked to hate the guy who hurt his friend, he couldn't. With a sigh, he handed back the phone.

“He apologises. And he's willing to give you space, but he also wants to stay friends.”

Kinoshita looked at the message, groaned and shook his head. “I wish he actually was an asshole. That would make everything easier.”

“I'm glad you're not attracted to assholes,” Chikara said, throwing a sideways glance at Narita.

“Why are you looking at me?” Narita seemed offended.

Chikara just laughed. _I really hope things work out for him._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Supportive parents ftw


	11. Nothing to lose

The six new first-years were looking at the older team members with wide eyes. Kazuhito wondered whether they were aware of what they'd signed up for because he certainly hadn't been ready for the commitment of joining the Karasuno volleyball club back in the day. But although there were times when he'd regretted making the decision to join this club, now he was glad he joined. The friendships he had formed with his fellow third-years, the senpais, and the younger members had become dear to him.

Ennoshita was taking to his new responsibilities as captain rather quickly. He didn't have the same intimidating aura that Daichi-san had, but as he stood in front of their new teammates, nobody dared interrupt his explanations and everyone listened attentively.

_He is definitely the right choice for captain_ , Kazuhito thought, smiling to himself.

After Ennoshita told everyone to get warmed up for the first practice of the school year, Kinoshita sighed, leaning most of his weight against Kazuhito. At this point, Kazuhito had become rather good at keeping his cool whenever Kinoshita decided to get all up close, though he still enjoyed it more than he probably should. Especially since Kinoshita probably was still not entirely over Imai.

“I feel so old,” Kinoshita sighed dramatically.

“You're not even eighteen yet,” Kazuhito replied, rolling his eyes and pushing him away softly. “Get to running or Ennoshita will _make_ you run.”

“You're not running either,” Ennoshita said, suddenly appearing behind the two of them, almost making Kazuhito jump out of his skin. “Come on. Even Hinata is being a better role model than you guys.”

And so they joined the rest of the team in the warm-up, joking about how they were obviously the best role models, and Kazuhito wished that it could stay like this forever. He refused to think of this moment as the beginning of the end, but it was a persistent thought that followed him throughout the first weeks of the new school year. He was reminded of it at the career guidance meetings with Takeda-sensei, during the conversations his classmates had between lessons and by the fact that he was too scared to ask Ennoshita and Kinoshita what their plans for the future were.

In the end, it was Ennoshita who brought up the topic during a study session.

“Have you guys filled out your career aspiration sheets yet?” he asked, looking at his own empty sheet with a sigh.

“I'm gonna apply to publishing houses,” Kinoshita replied, shrugging. “I'll have to start out as an office grunt, but maybe I'll be able to work my way up to being an editor.”

“Literature is your best subject, isn't it?” Kazuhito remembered seeing some of Kinoshita's exam scores last year.

“I mean, I wouldn't want to be an author, but working in publishing seems like it might be interesting,” Kinoshita explained. “What about you guys?”

“I kind of want to go to film school, but...” Ennoshita was biting at his lips. “It's gonna be hard to make an actual career in the film industry...”

“So what? Those short films you directed for the cultural festival last year were great,” Kazuhito tried to encourage him. “You _do_ have the talent to make it work.”

“We'll see...” Ennoshita sighed and seemed eager to steer the conversation away from himself. “What are your plans, Narita?”

“Well... When I talked to Takeda-sensei he suggested that I should look into getting an engineering degree. Or maybe architecture. My marks in maths and physics would be good enough to get into the program at Sendai College, but it sounds awfully hard...”

Kinoshita threw his eraser at Kazuhito, who swatted it out of the air before it hit him in the face. “Since when have you been scared of hard work, Kazuhito? I thought you, Chikara and I were done with running away from challenges.”

It was like an electric shock ran through Kazuhito's entire body. He couldn't remember Kinoshita ever addressing him by his given name.

“Well, _Hisashi_ ,” Ennoshita said, putting the emphasis on Kinoshita's given name, “then maybe you should put in some more effort during the next practice. Your spiking form is a mess.”

“You wound me!”

Meanwhile, Kazuhito sat there, totally spaced out at the realisation of how close he'd become with Hisashi in the last three years. He'd been the one Hisashi had come to after being rejected, he'd slept in the same goddamn bed as him, he'd even come out to him. It was weird that they were only starting to call each other by their given names now.

 

As Golden Week approached, Kazuhito noticed that Hisashi was slowly but surely getting his usual cheer back. His laughter seemed more genuine, his smiles a little brighter. It made Kazuhito's heart feel lighter and as time went on, he felt less guilty about enjoying it when Hisashi invaded his personal space. More than once he found Hisashi absent-mindedly leaning against his shoulder when they were watching anime or studying, and instead of thinking about how he should give Hisashi more space, he could just bask in the warmth that spread out from where they touched.

 

***

 

Golden Week training camp was held in Tokyo with the other schools again. The first-years were either really excited or intimidated by the prospect of practice with powerhouses like Nekoma and Fukurodani. Chikara hoped that they'd all be able to keep up with the strict punishments.

Surprisingly, nobody ever complained about Chikara's leadership. Even Tsukishima obediently followed his instructions, even if his compliance was always accompanied by a long sigh. Being captain was stressful anyway. He was responsible for so many things and while Yachi and Tanaka tried their best to support him in their positions as manager and vice-captain, Chikara found himself utterly exhausted by the end of the day. He was too tired to feel jealous whenever Tanaka bragged about the cute text messages he'd received from Kanoka and one time he even fell asleep at the dinner table, to the amusement of all his teammates.

But as exhausted as he was, Chikara still noticed how Kazuhito and Hisashi started gravitating towards each other. He probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been observing them for two years now. The change was subtle, but it was there in the fond smile on Hisashi's face when Kazuhito handed him his water bottle and in the way Kazuhito visibly relaxed instead of tensing up at being touched by Hisashi.

 

“Hey, could we talk for a second?” Hisashi asked on the last night in Tokyo. Chikara had been about to doze off, but there was a nervous edge to Hisashi's voice that woke Chikara right back up.

“What's it about?”

“Erm, let's go outside first, maybe?” Hisashi suggested. “I don't want the whole team to know...”

“Okay.”

Nights were still pretty chilly, but Chikara was glad because the cold kept him awake. They settled down on the stairs that lead up to the lodge they were staying in.

“So...” Hisashi took a deep breath. “Is it normal to get over rejection after a little bit more than two months?”

“Erm, well...” Chikara suddenly had a good idea where this conversation was going to go, but he had no idea how to handle it. He really didn't want to be the one to tell Hisashi that Kazuhito liked him. That was something the two of them did not need him for. “Are you sure that you don't have feelings for Imai anymore?”

“Imai and I were both stupid and it kinda sucks that it turned out the way it did, but honestly, if he doesn't want to be with me, that's his loss.” Hisashi shrugged, staring down at his bare feet. “I think I was more in love with the image I had of him from middle school, you know? And that's just not who he is anymore.”

Chikara nodded. “So you've moved on?”

There was an unmistakable blush rising to the tips of Hisashi's ears. “Well, there's this guy... God, I'm not gonna tell you who it is or else you'll probably make fun of me, but... I've always kind of liked him. He's nice, intelligent, a really great friend... I'm not gonna tell him, though. At least not yet. Don't want to spook him.”

Chikara could barely suppress the amused smile, but he tried his hardest. “Just take it slow. I'm sure it'll work out.”

 

_***_

 

Being a seed for the Inter High had it's advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, they could go into their first match well rested, while their opponents were already tired from their first matches. On the other hand, they couldn't take their time to get everyone used to playing with their new line up. The second-years and Tanaka were still starters, just like last year, while Chikara and Hisashi had been chosen to fill the holes that had been left behind by Daichi-san and Asahi-san.

Kazuhito was happy for his friends. Both of them had been working hard and deserved their positions. He would've liked to join them, but he was aware that both Hinata and Tsukishima were better middle blockers than him.

And so he stayed on the bench, cheering with Yamaguchi and the first-years when Tanaka scored the match point against Kakugawa High.

After Coach Ukai was done discussing the match, Hisashi collapsed onto the floor next to Kazuhito. “I forgot what it's like to play for three sets in a row.”

“You did well, though.”

“Heh, I guess,” Hisashi laughed weakly. “My knees feel so–” he was interrupted by the cheers erupting from the audience that was watching the match on the court next to them. Seijoh had scored the match point against Dateko.

“Oh fuck.”

Kazuhito knew exactly what was going through his friend's head. They'd had a bunch of practice matches with Dateko, but they hadn't gone up against Seijoh since Oikawa had graduated.

 

The first set against Seijoh was a disorganised nightmare. Yahaba had somehow managed to tame Seijoh's Mad Dog, turning Kyoutani into an unpredictable weapon. But Karasuno never shied away from a challenge. Kazuhito watched, fascinated by Tsukishima's blocks and Kageyama's attempts to outmanoeuvre Seijoh's blockers. Slowly but surely they racked up points, finally pulling ahead for the set point. It was Hisashi's turn to serve. He aimed at the Seijoh first-year that had proven himself unable to receive float serves, but Watari reacted quickly, saving the ball in the last second. Yahaba had to run towards the ball, putting him in a position that made it almost impossible to toss to their ace. Instead, Kunimi ran forward for the spike – and was blocked by Tsukishima. The ball landed on Seijoh's side of the court with a smack.

Kazuhito heaved a sigh of relief. One more set. One more chance to turn this thing around. But then he noticed that Tsukishima was limping.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi ran forward, lending his friend a shoulder as he walked over to the bench.

“I think I sprained my ankle during the landing,” Tsukishima said through clenched teeth.

All eyes turned towards Kazuhito.

“Yachi, please accompany Tsukishima-kun to the infirmary,” Ukai-san ordered. “Narita, please warm up for the next set, we're going to need you.”

After the last Spring High, Kazuhito had thought that he was used to being subbed in during important matches, but as it turned out he wasn't.

As he diligently did his stretches and tried to warm up his muscles, he tried to hold on to the thought that finally, after two years he was going to stand on the court with his two best friends in an official match. 

 

Kazuhito stared in utter disbelief as the ball smacked down on the other side of the net. Yahaba had tried to follow up Kazuhito's block with his foot but missed by a mere centimetre. Kazuhito scored the last point of the match. They won against Seijoh. They'd be going to the next round.

But before he could properly process any of that, there were hands on his shoulders forcefully turning him around. Hisashi's smile was so bright it could've lit up the night sky. Sighing, Kazuhito leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his friend's chest.

“You were amazing,” Hisashi muttered, reciprocating the hug and burying his face in Kazuhito's shoulder. Kazuhito was warm all over. The smell of sweat, cooling spray and _Hisashi_ filled his nose. He knew he should probably return the compliment – Hisashi had managed to score a handful of points after all – but the words got stuck in his throat and a completely different set of sounds bubbled up from somewhere deep inside him, boiling over and burning his tongue on their way out.

“I like you,” he whispered, hoping that the words would be drowned out by the roar of the crowd around them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the cliff hanger, I guess xD (don't worry, the last chapter is already on its way, I just need to edit it)


	12. Miracle

Time stretched like a piece of gum, while Kazuhito screamed internally.

_Why did I say that? I've ruined it. Someone kill me right now._

Hisashi's grip on Kazuhito's jersey tightened. “This is a dream, right?” he whispered, sounding perplexed.

“It feels very real to me at least,” Kazuhito groaned, waiting for rejection.

“Hah, I... Wow. I like you, too.”

_Oh_ . Kazuhito's knees felt very weak all of a sudden, but he did not have the luxury of time to bask in the relief of having his feelings requited. Tanaka and Noya were already tackling him and Hisashi to the ground and soon the rest of the team followed.

_Oh, right, we won_ , Kazuhito remembered as he and Hisashi got squished between the floor and a bunch of overly enthusiastic first-year students. 

Surreal. This was so surreal.

 

***

 

Chikara noticed and, as always, he wasn't surprised in the least. Throughout the bus ride back home, he saw them sneaking glances at each other and blushing the deepest red when their gazes met. It was the cherry on top of an already extremely satisfying day.

 

***

 

Kazuhito had waited years for this and now that it was happening he wasn't entirely sure how to act and what to do. This situation should've been familiar. He and Hisashi had walked home together countless of times. It was also not the first time that they won a big match. But the simple knowledge that Hisashi liked him,  _romantically_ , made his skin tingle all over.

“Do you want to come over?” Hisashi asked as they passed Sakanoshita Store. His smile was timid, nothing like his usual bright grin, and it made Kazuhito's heart flutter pleasantly.

“Y-yeah.”

The smile turned into a grin, leaving Kazuhito in a daze.

Yeah, this was nothing like it used to be just a couple of days ago.

Entering the Kinoshita household, Hisashi's mother hugged them both enthusiastically as soon as they walked through the door.

“I heard about it on the radio! I'm so proud of you,” she said before promising to put all of Hisashi's favourites in his bento for the next day. It was nice to be greeted with so much enthusiasm, but Kazuhito was desperate to be alone with Hisashi as soon as possible. He wanted to talk to him in private; he wanted to tell him all the things he hadn't had the guts to say before.

Somehow Hisashi managed to remove his mother's arms from around them and told her that they'd be going upstairs for a while. When they finally closed the door to Hisashi's room behind themselves, Kazuhito heaved a sigh of relief.

“So...” Hisashi said, sitting down on the edge of his bed and motioning for Kazuhito to sit down beside him. “We like each other.”

“Erm, yes.” Kazuhito felt his cheeks heating up with excitement.

“Does that mean we're dating?”

“I... I hope so?” Kazuhito mumbled, slightly overwhelmed at the thought of going on an actual _date_ with Hisashi.

“Nice.” Hisashi smiled broadly and leaned his head on Kazuhito's shoulder. “I would've never thought that you'd fall for an idiot like me.”

“Well, when I fell for you I didn't know you were an idiot yet,” Kazuhito teased, trying to downplay his nerves with humour.

“You're supposed to say that I'm not an idiot, you know?” Hisashi huffed. “But wait... Since when have you had a crush on me anyway?”

“Erm... m-middle school?” Kazuhito admitted and suddenly Hisashi went stiff at his side.

“Did we know each other in middle school?”

“I... Our schools played each other in our first year and I saw you and Imai on the bus sometimes?”

“Oh. Wow.” Hisashi blushed. “I don't think I ever noticed you. Sorry.”

“No need to apologise. I was just... a really, really gay kid, I guess?”

Hisashi laughed. “Well, I liked you since we started high school, so I'm not much better. Wish I'd known about this sooner, then I could've skipped that entire Imai episode.”

“Yeah, I could've done without that, too.”

Hisashi sighed, his hand sliding across the sheets until his fingertips touched Kazuhito's. Swallowing hard, Kazuhito moved to weave their fingers together.

“Is it weird that I'm nervous? Because I'm really nervous right now,” Hisashi admitted.

“Same.”

It was not a particularly comfortable silence that stretched between them after that, but it wasn't awkward either. Closing his eyes, Kazuhito tried to think of something to say. He'd dreamt about being with Hisashi like this for years, but reality was nothing like his dreams. He felt unprepared and inexperienced. He wanted to kiss Hisashi, but also didn't want to seem over-eager.

In the end, it was Hisashi who broke the silence.

“Have you ever kissed someone?”

_Is he reading my mind?_ Kazuhito shook his head, cheeks glowing red.

“Do you, erm, want to kiss?”

“I-if you do?”

“Yeah.”

And then there was a warm, calloused hand cupping Kazuhito's cheek. Instinctively he closed his eyes, letting Hisashi tilt his head to the side, and awaited the kiss. It was just a soft press of lips against lips, nothing like the sloppy make-outs that frequently featured in his dreams, but it made Kazuhito's heart flutter excitedly. Immediately, he decided that kissing Hisashi was his favourite thing in the entire world, and when they broke the kiss he couldn't help the stupid grin on his face.

“Can we do that again?”

Hisashi rolled his eyes and softly pushed against Kazuhito's shoulders, prompting him to lie down on the bed. “I finally have the opportunity kiss a guy who actually likes me back, so I'm going to take advantage of that.”

“I'm all y-yours!” Kazuhito's tongue tripped over the words, making Hisashi chuckle.

“I appreciate the enthusiasm.” He leaned forward placing another chaste kiss on Kazuhito's waiting lips. “But I think I'd actually prefer some cuddles instead of making out. I'm tired.”

Kazuhito immediately wrapped his arms around Hisashi's shoulders, pulling him down until the two of them were lying next to each other on the bed.

“This is nice,” Hisashi sighed comfortably and gave Kazuhito a quick peck on the forehead.

“Yeah,” Kazuhito agreed, closing his eyes and enjoying the warmth that seemed to seep right into his bones. He kept comparing reality and fantasy, and fantasy kept falling short. He would've never imagined how content he could be with something as simple as cuddling on Hisashi's bed.

They stayed like that for hours, sometimes talking about the upcoming match against Shiratorizawa, sometimes exchanging sweet kisses that set Kazuhito's head spinning, until finally, they heard footsteps outside the door.

Kazuhito was still desperately trying to fix his rumpled clothes when Kinoshita-san knocked on the door and asked him if he was going to stay the night since it was getting late. Although the thought of falling asleep next to his boyfriend – _Hisashi is my boyfriend now holy shit_ – was tempting, Kazuhito knew that his parents were probably waiting for him to get home. They preferred to get their news about his volleyball matches from him rather than watching the local news.

“You'll get another chance to sleep over,” Hisashi said, smiling as he accompanied Kazuhito out the front door. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

That night Kazuhito went home with a spring in his step.

_We have a shot at Nationals again and Hisashi is my boyfriend._

It sounded almost too good to be real, and yet Kazuhito could still feel Hisashi's lips on his when he closed his eyes.

_Miracles do happen after all, I guess._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this fic! I'll eventually write a little one-shot spin off thingy that's set a couple of years in the future and I hope to have that done for EnnoTana Week, but we'll see if I actually manage to do that xD  
> Until then, thank you for all the nice comments and kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](http://gilrael.tumblr.com) where I gush about my Haikyuu!! feels on a regular basis...


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